Long Live Fan Fiction!

So, the other week, I finally started work on my latest book, Dead Heroes. The crowds cheered, the trumpeters blared, the streamers fell and everyone stared with bated breath as my fingers moved over the keyboard and typed the immortal words...

Chapter One

The screams were deafening. It was as if VE day had been announced all over again.

No sooner had the awestruck legions trudged off home, exhausted but happy, did I find I had a problem. Despite months of planning, plotting and character building, the first chapter was just not very good.

Now, that's quite normal. Generally, first drafts aren't very good and you have to push through and get some scaffolding down that you can tart up later. However, sometimes, you realise there's a problem at a fundamental level that needs sorting out - but, annoyingly, you have no idea what it is.

So, faced with roadblocks on my Literary Work of Earth-Shattering Magnitude, I decided to do the only sensible thing.

I stopped and wrote some fan-fiction!

I've loved writing fan fiction from before it was even called fan fiction. When I was a kid, my very first stories were all Star Wars ones (well, my very first stories were actually about a man who walked to the shop and met a dragon who asked if the man wanted to come back to his cave and play Pitfall on the Atari 2600 and the man said yes but before they could go back to the dragon's cave, they were attacked by a woolly mammoth with bad breath and they beat the woolly mammoth up with a rolled up newspaper and the mammoth said sorry and could he also come back to the cave to play on the Atari 2600?). But Star Wars stories soon followed.

Don't get me wrong - the 'day job'* of writing my own stuff is ultra-enjoyable. But it's just not the same kind of enjoyment you get from ditching the Millennium Falcon into the Atlantic... or sending the Ghostbusters into a house haunted by their own future ghosts... or sending William Shakespeare to foil a Dutch terrorist plot.

(* actually, the 'day job' is 'Computer Programmer' - we're currently writing a little AI app called SkyNet).

So, every once in a while, when I need to take a break from my Literary Works of Earth-Shattering Magnitude, I might team Doctor Who and James Bond together to save the world from a weaponised internet.

Or, in this case, have a Game of Thrones adventure in modern-day Westeros with ancient-artifact smugglers, bank robbers and corrupt politicians.

When you indulge in a little healthy fanfic, not only do you get to have all kinds of fun, there's also an added, welcome side-effect - you get your creative juices flowing again. So I know, when I go back to Dead Heroes, I'll be full of energy and raring to go.

Which is good since Literary Works of Earth-Shattering Magnitude don't just write themselves.


W

Tweets from Famous Fictional Characters

	Macbeth @Mac_daddy    2hr Just won major battle against traitor’s army then got accosted by 3 mad old women making crazy predictions #AllKindsOfWeird
	Lady Macbeth @Mac_mamma    2hr @Mac_daddy Really? Do tell.
	Macbeth @Mac_daddy    2hr Mac_mamma I'll...um... DM you
	King Duncan @KingDunc    5m @Mac_daddy Sounds like you've had an eventful day.
	Macbeth @Mac_daddy    5m @KingDunc Hey, u free tonight? Why not come round mine? We can chill, play some XBox, nothing violent.
	King Duncan @KingDunc    5m @Mac_daddy Sounds gr8! Your good lady wife ok with me and the boys descending on yr place?
	Macbeth @Mac_daddy    5m Sure @KingDunc It was her idea, actually.
	King Duncan @KingDunc    1hr Fantastic! We'll be over after we've finished off the last of the traitor's forces. Thanks m8! @Mac_daddy @Mac_mamma  #FriendsUCanTrust
	Darth Vader @vader_sith    5m Just had a reunion with my long lost son. Told him I was his real dad. #CouldHaveGoneBetter
	Emperor Palpatine @TheEmperor    2m @vader_sith lol
	Harry Potter @harrypotter    10m My teacher just levitated a feather with 'Wyngardium Leviosar'. #HogwartsRocks
	Luke Skywalker @skywalker_jedi    9m Mine just lifted my X-Wing out of a swamp. Suck it @harrypotter. #force-1/magic-0
	Harry Potter @harrypotter    9m @skywalker_jedi Aaaaand how did it get in the swamp in the first place?
	Luke Skywalker @skywalker_jedi    8m @harrypotter Totally not the point.
	Doctor Henry Jekyll @DoctorJ    1h There's too much evil in the world. Spread some love, people! #peace #love
	Doctor Henry Jeckyll @DoctorJ    30m I HATE YOU ALL! IF ANYONE FAVES, REPLIES OR RETWEETS THIS, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU WITH A CHAIR LEG!!!
	Doctor Henry Jeckyll @DoctorJ    5m OMG! My account has been hacked! Someone is posting hateful tweets! #ItIsntMe
	Emperor Palpatine @TheEmperor    2m @DoctorJ lol
	Winston Smith @WinstonSmith    3 days [tweet deleted by system]
	Winston Smith @WinstonSmith    2 days [tweet deleted by system]
	Winston Smith @WinstonSmith    1 day [tweet deleted by system]
	Big Brother @BigBro    5m [tweet deleted by system]
	Winston Smith @DoctorJ    5m I love EastAsia. Such a fantastic nation. I'm glad we're allies. #AlwaysHaveBeenAlwaysWillBe
	Vincent Vega @vincentvega    5m Just went over a pothole and my gun went off and totally shot Marvin in the face. rofl
	Jules Winfield @juleswinfield    5m NOT EVERYTHING GOES ON TWITTER, @VINCENTVEGA!
	Vincent Vega @vincentvega    5m sorry, my bad *chuckle*
	Emperor Palpatine @TheEmperor    5m @vader_sith just threw me down a REALLY deep hole. Enough time to tweet and still falling :-(
	Luke Skywalker @skywalker_jedi    5m @TheEmperor lol
	Malcom @PrinceMalcolm    5m Hey @Mac_daddy you seen @KingDunc? He's not answering his phone.
	Macbeth @Mac_daddy    4m @PrinceMalcolm Um...no. BTW, did you hear I'm King now? :-)

Technology is making our lives Betterworse

When I was a kid... maybe seven or eight... I was in the back of my parents' car and saw a huge billboard for some boring thing. I think it may have been ladies' underwear (so, yes, seven or eight, rather then thirteen / fourteen...).

I remember thinking to myself, "What a boring advert. Wouldn't it be great if there was some special database that knew all the stuff everyone was interested in. Then we could all have these special contact lenses which would read the blank advert board and fill it with adverts for actual stuff each person looking at it wanted to see. So someone else would see the ladies' underwear thing and I could see adverts for Star Wars figures".

Despite the temporary demise of Google Glass, it would seem that exactly the type of cool technology I dreamed of as a young 'un is now all around us.

And isn't it greaterrible!

All your purchases are recorded so that relevant, targeted ads for further purchases are piped to you every time you visit any random web page. All the routes you put into your GPS are saved to the cloud for your convenience. Aren't all these companies being ever so helpfulcynicallyopportunistic?

I've always loved technology. And every time my phone gives me an unbidden nudge that "it's time to leave work and this is the best route to take due to current traffic" based purely on the fact it's kept track of my daily movements since I first switched it on...it gives me a chill of excitementfear.

Because people have a greatterrible track record of using technology wisely, don't we? I mean, look at the microchipatomicbomb!

Last year, I read a fantastic book by Kim Curran called Glaze. It seems to share my excitementfear about how betterworse all this technology is making our lives.

"You're better together"

In it, a young girl named Petri is eagerly awaiting her sixteenth birthday so she can get a chip put into her head like everyone else and get onto Glaze - a kind of hyper-facebook-google reality overlay. (BTW, the title and the cover image of the book are a perfect indicator of the feel of the story). It's a great YA thriller and I read the entire story thinking "I would lovehate to be on Glaze! It's so helpfuldangerous." Even by the end, after the revelation of the Big Baddie's Plan, I was still thinking that I'd kind of like a (perhaps less invasive) version of Glaze. Yes, even after the Big Baddie Plan.

Sometimes, I do wonder where it will all lead. But then I see a promo for something like Microsoft HoloLens and I stop wondering because there's just too much cool stuff to play with!

#shutupandtakemymoney

Cheers

W

Santa Claus and the Night of a Thousand Rolling Heads

I'm no poet, not by a long stretch. But, every so often, while you're hoovering or making an almighty mess of your garden and calling it 'weeding', an idea descends. Certain lines almost write themselves before your eyes. You rush inside and scribble stuff on a notepad (or, as we say in the futuristic 21st Century, use your stylus to scribble on your tablet) and, lo! You end up with the disturbing nonsense which follows below...

This isn't new material, I wrote it some time ago (and it's also available at shorts.88tales.com). But it's Christmas - and like this great nation's television channels, that's reason enough to recycle old rubbish and present it as if it's new. Enjoy!

-Wilf

---

T’was a cold and silent Christmas Eve, good folk slept warm in bed. They waited for their presents, brought by Santa on his sled. But little did those good folk know, as snow fell soft and thick, that evil men of ill intent had plans for poor Saint Nick. Santa’s night began as usual, with him coming to his sleigh, ready to start his long night’s toil, to leave without delay. But then he knew something was wrong for as plain as he could see every single one of his reindeer had been chopped off at the knee. “Who did this?” Santa boomed with rage, his throat choked up with anger. “It was the Elves…” croaked Rudolph, “…they beat us up with our own antlers…” And even worse (“what, worse?” you cry) when Nick looked on his sleigh, he saw his great big sack of gifts had been stolen clean away! “The Elves…” he said through gritted teeth, “…this has been coming for an age…” They’d long been whispering of revolt for they got less than minimum wage. From a secret panel within his sleigh, Santa drew (for t’was no trifle) a shining sword both long and sharp and a full-bore assault rifle. “Come, then, Elf kingdom one and all, ‘Tis true, I’ll make you pay.” He swung his sword and cocked his gun, “Come on, punks, make my day.” He followed, then, the trail of toys to a far, secluded spot. Then he prepared to rescue Christmas and unravel this evil plot. All at once, from front and back, from left and right, they came. Once loyal elves, armed to the teeth, their bobble hats aflame. “Death to the tyrant!” they cried as one and swarmed him in their masses. But quickly they saw their mistake as Santa kicked their asses. “How dare you threaten Christmas, and cripple my reindeer true? Yes, Prancer may be somewhat camp, But he never did anything to you!” And soon the Elves were beaten, and all Santa’s ammo spent. Yet, still old Nick was puzzled. What could have triggered their dissent? T’was true he paid them pittance, but their tasks they’d never shirk. “Come on out!” he shouted then, for he sensed other hands at work. Figures stepped out of the darkness For, indeed, they were hidden there. And at last the vile originators of this plot were laid to bare. Halloween’s Jack o’ Lantern, and Tooth-Fairy (she had the money), that knave of hearts, Sir Valentine, even the Easter Bunny. A never-ending line of fantasy folk whom Santa once called friend had all turned out, armed to the teeth to plot old Nickster’s end. “We all work really ‘ard,” said Jack, “for our livins, just like we oughtta, but in just one night, this time a’ year, you blow us out the water!” “Jealousy?” said old Saint Nick, “This alone is your reason?” “Yeah,” said Easter Bunny, “So now we’re gonna end your season.” “You can’t stop Christmas,” said Saint Nick and took not a single step backwards. He dropped his gun, brought up his sword. “Bring it, you naughty bastards.” The arctic night was full of screams as Santa went to town. Neither holiday nor tradition was spared. He took them all straight down. The Easter Bunny was impaled but if you think that scary, then you really do not want to know what he did to the Tooth-Fairy. Eventually, Jack’s pumpkin-head graced the end of Santa’s blade. And so it came to its natural end, this fantasy creatures’ crusade. “Christmas rules,” said Santa Claus, “Fine. See me as a baddie. But even as you lie dead now, know this : I am the Daddy.” And so Santa found the gift sack, and crippled as they were, the reindeer still managed to drag the sleigh round all the earth in a blur. So if next Easter, you get no eggs, next Valentine, you get no card, or your child’s next tooth fetches them no coin, please don’t take it too hard. For Santa’s got your back, he’ll fill your Christmas to the brim. And if you have a problem with that… …well, you can take it up with him.

Welcome to the Ramblings of an Idiot

Hello, and welcome to the ramblings of an idiot. First things first, I'm not an actual idiot. I'm way too boring to be an actual idiot. I'm just a regular guy who - like most guys - lives in his own world a great proportion of the time.

Fortunately, in that world there are spaceships and super-powers and spies and last minute screamers into the top corner and one ring to rule them all-

Okaay.. maybe, an idiot.

However, I am also a writer. I have written novels, novellas, shorts and even a poem (it rhymes and it's about Santa putting down an Elf revolt). I daresay many of my posts will have a story / writing / books-type slant to them.

You can check out my (let's face it, totally awesome) work at Eighty8Tales Press (www.88tales.com), much of which is available for free because I'm nice.

You can also catch up with me on Twitter - I'm @Wilf007. I'm probably on Google+ somewhere, too. What can I say? The Matrix has me.


Hope you stick around and read a few posts - look forward to chatting..!


Cheers

Wilf